:: update 5 ::

Edit: the last few days I have been soaking with tears, and that was the came wen I was typing out this journal. I then had to leave and have just come back and found all the comments! They were so kind and heart-warming - just the fact that within a few hours so many people had written long messages trying to cheer me up...! It really did! I was surprised that people would take that much care, and it really has warmed my heart. I love you all so much, I really do! And I truly am sincere in my words.
I will try things like clearing and blabla - anything to try and get a place, but I'm also very prepared now to get a job and get some money 'for uni next year' (*cough* puki rose *cough* ) My mum works for a zoo, and has also told me a few very exciting illustration-job possibilities? So there is potential there.

and yeah... I may not fail at being an artist but I sure do fail at being a depressive! ¦D

My assessment is on the 12th of May. After that I will return to DA full-time :3

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I don't know when I will be back from my hiatus... I just thought I would post a new journal to let those interested know that I did not get into the university I applied to for my Illustration BA.
I applied to Falmouth, and only Falmouth sheerly because of my much I loved it. I actively didn't want to go anywhere else. I sent my application off, they asked for a CD of my work. I sent that off they asked me for interview. I went to interview and came back really happy - I thought I had done really well. There was nothing they had asked for which I hadn't had, there was nothing they asked me which I couldn't answer and I made my enthusiasm for the course very clear. I can't understand what I could have done wrong...! I've emailed asking for feedback...
I am absolutely crushed though. I spent all yesterday crying and didn't get much sleep because I was so upset. Now I've just received a confirmation of my rejection, from Falmouth. I'm at uni mounting up my final work, but wtf is the fucking point?! I've had trouble enough with this display and they've threatened to turn it around to the white side (as opposed to my wallpaper) for the final show anyway. What really upsets me is when I think about how hard I have pushed myself this year. For what?

Of course I knew I was taking a risk only applying to one place, and when asked I had always said that I would happily get a job for a year and then apply again - but I honestly can't think of what I did wrong, so I can't even begin to imagine how to improve my portfolio! I prepared so much for the interview... I guess now that it has actually happened I'm more depressed than I thought I would be...

My birthday is on the 15th as well, but I really don't care anymore. I hadn't paid much mind to it because of all the interview and end of show palaver, but now I feel like such a fucking failure. My aunt rang me especially to ask for a detailed account of my interview because she was so excited... I can't bear to think about breaking the news to everybody...

What has this year been for? Why should I bother putting effort into my WIP display downstairs..?